


thrive (when i'm beatin' the man)

by aHostileRainbow



Series: Mostly BAMF: A Collection of Small Fries Kicking Ass (Literally or Figuratively) [26]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, BAMF Bilbo Baggins, BAMF Hobbits, Battle of Five Armies Fix-It, Bilbo feels vaguely Addams Family to me in this, Bilbo is So Done, Blood Magic, Drama, Dwarf & Hobbit Cultural Differences, Everybody Lives, Gen, Hobbit Culture & Customs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-10
Updated: 2020-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:00:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23098999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aHostileRainbow/pseuds/aHostileRainbow
Summary: wanna destroy me, but you can'tAny child of the Took has a duty to pass judgment on truly unforgivable crimes. Threatening to maim and murder a child, then return them to their family in a box - that counts.AU scene for Ch12 of An Unexpected Addition. As usual, my Bilbo is a badass. Hobbit blood magic ahead.
Relationships: Bilbo Baggins & Frodo Baggins, Bilbo Baggins & Frodo Baggins & Thorin Oakenshield, Bilbo Baggins & Thorin's Company
Series: Mostly BAMF: A Collection of Small Fries Kicking Ass (Literally or Figuratively) [26]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/455026
Comments: 10
Kudos: 647





	thrive (when i'm beatin' the man)

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [An Unexpected Addition](https://archiveofourown.org/works/626170) by [karategal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/karategal/pseuds/karategal). 



> You don't need to be familiar with UA, just know that Bilbo and Frodo have come to live in the Mountain with Thorin and co. One dwarf took particular, vocal offense to this and made graphic threats to Frodo's life.

Bilbo paled at the summary of the dwarf's threats, but he could tell he surprised Balin with the relatively calm question, "And what is the fate of a dwarf who would make such threats to a child under your law?"

Balin sighed, expecting Bilbo's distaste over his response, "He dies. It will be the king's duty to execute him." 

Yet instead of distaste, Bilbo only nodded, "Hobbit law has rarely needed such application, but that would be his fate in Shire as well. As Frodo is my charge, that duty would be mine." 

Either ignorant or dismissive of Balin's surprised stare, Bilbo considered the circumstances quietly for several moments before muttering, "And I suppose he will be disposed of after? What a waste." 

Under Balin's astonished eyes, the hobbit nodded to himself, set aside his tea, folded his blanket onto his seat and stood. Bilbo raised an eyebrow at the still seated dwarf and prodded him politely but impatiently up, "If you would take me to Thorin, Balin, it seems I have business to see to." 

As Balin gathered himself, Bilbo glanced back at the fireplace where Frodo had gone quiet, watching them. Bilbo sighed, but offered up the truth, "Frodo, love, did your ma speak to you of the Took duties?"

Frodo frowned, "Yes, Uncle, but what - oh." Bilbo watched the understanding wash over his nephew's tiny features and was grateful to not have to explain. "That dwarf said something really bad, then, Uncle Bilbo?"

"Yes, my dear, and I'm afraid the Dwarven response for such things is rather wasteful, so I will be seeing to it. You stay here with Bofur and I should be back in just a bit so we can make cookies together." Frodo smiled and nodded, returning easily to his play and prodding his distracted playmates back into the game. 

Bilbo turned back to Balin, who gaped at him and finally spoke, "Bilbo, what in Mahal's name - " 

Though it was rude, Bilbo interrupted, "If you would take me to Thorin now, Balin, I will be happy to answer your questions on the way." Balin nodded, still staring, and finally led the way out the door. 

Deciding to preempt some of the questioning, Bilbo started to explain, "As you have seen fit to share your secret language with Frodo and myself, it seems only fair to share a few Hobbit secrets in turn. Not that they are secrets, exactly, we simply don't have need to speak of them often."

Considering where best to start, Bilbo decides to begin with the beginning - thankful that Balin was a considerate and patient audience. 

"The Tooks have managed the Thainship almost since its beginning. Shire has no king, but when some sort of arbiter is necessary, the Thain is whom we approach. My mother was the last Thain's eldest daughter and so, though I did not carry the name, I was tutored on the Took duties should it ever be necessary for me to take the post. Among those duties is the passing of judgment in any criminal case deemed too severe for those involved to handle alone. Such crimes are beyond rare in Shire. As you know, we are a peaceful people and there has not been a murder in our lands in centuries. Still, there are other crimes as serious and hobbits are practical folk - someone must always be prepared to handle such circumstances. As the most direct descendant of Took blood in Hobbiton, it was understood that I would be the first approached for any issues in those lands."

At that point, Balin eased open a door much lower in the mountain than Bilbo had yet traveled and he trailed off. The sight of a familiar dwarf coated in blood and surrounded by the Durins made him sniff. Pinching his nose, he drew the room's attention with a cough, "Oh, honestly, must you dwarves always make such a mess."

The fierce scowl on Thorin's face and the grim bewilderment on Fili and Kili's didn't deter him or his nausea, "There's not even any ventilation down here, this is putrid, Thorin. Unless you want another hobbit to vomit on you, I must insist you bring yourselves and that lump outside. He is still alive, isn't he?" Bilbo examined the vaguely familiar face under all the blood and was pleased to notice one eye squinting open to glare at him. "Oh, good, you're not dead yet. Fili, Kili, he looks like he could bleed out any moment, be good lads and bring him along quickly now." 

Bilbo turned to retreat from the room, one hand still pinching his nose, ignoring the rumblings behind him once he heard the shuffle of feet and several grunts of effort. With a face like thunder, Thorin stormed after him, "Halfling, this waste of stone will not be spared because you are squeamish."

Bilbo cut Thorin a scathing glare and didn't pause for a moment in retracing his and Balin's steps to the main level. 

"Spared, really, Thorin? What do you take me for? I am a practical hobbit and it would hardly be practical to let a threat to my charge go about his business in our home. The threat came from a dwarf, so I cannot object to you handing down your own punishment, but he threatened a hobbit child and so I will handle the rest by hobbit custom."

Bilbo stomped ahead of the stunned King Under the Mountain, muttering crossly about _wasteful, mannerless dwarves_ in between directing the princes to bring their bloody charge out through the front gates, disregarding the train of curious dwarves gathering at their backs. 

When the earth felt right under his feet, Bilbo stopped and waved Kili and Fili forward to drop their burden in a heap on the grass. Like everyone else, they were staring at him as if he had run mad, but Bilbo was much too tired and irritated to care just then. Once they had retreated far enough to satisfy him, Bilbo used one calloused finger to scoop a small, sharp thorn out of the tiny pocket that all of his waistcoats hid. Ignoring the grumbling behind him as less immediately concerning than the imminent death by blood loss of the dwarf in front of him, Bilbo unceremoniously pricked all five of the fingers on his left hand until they bled and then pressed that hand into the dirt. 

Immediately, the grass rustled with a wind he couldn't feel, the birds that had been chirping nearby went quiet, and the ground began to warm and pulse very slightly under his feet, as if it were a massive heart beating.

With a few hushed curses, the dwarves fell silent. 

Clear and carrying, Bilbo spoke to that heart, "I am a son of the Took, the blood of the earth is my blood. By our blood connection, I implore you to feast upon a threat to your children's children. He has been judged and found wanting, now I offer him for your use." Bilbo stepped forward and pressed his bloody fingertips into the small clear patch of skin by the dwarf's temple. "Blood calls to blood, may this life of cruelty feed beautiful growth." 

Bilbo clapped his hands together and as the blood pressed between his fingertips heated, so did the earth under his feet. Without a sound, it split in a straight line from his toes to just beyond the dwarf he had offered, swallowing him up. Only a soft susurrus from the grass preceded the earth sealing together once more without a mark. As Bilbo watched, first one sprout and then another appeared from the grass where the dwarf had lain until the entire expanse was filled with the riotous color of new blooms and the earth at last cooled. Bowing his head, Bilbo murmured his thanks.

Straightening up, he groaned and arched his back to release the cramp there. Finally catching sight of the pale and gaping dwarven crowd at his back, Bilbo sighed. 

"I don't have time to educate you all, I promised Frodo cookies. Balin, if you would guide me back to my rooms, I'd appreciate it." Hardly waiting for the absent nod from his friend, Bilbo started back toward the mountain's front gates, not especially concerned when the horde of dwarves swiftly and silently made a path for him. 

**Author's Note:**

> Skylar Grey's "Wreak Havoc" is becoming my BAMF Bilbo anthem.


End file.
